I knew it was going to happen. Locals by now have gotten used to the idea that Bella and Tony won't talk about the Mall anymore. With an understanding look on their faces they just shook their heads, while both of us in one voice would say, “We know absolutely nothing. Ask Mr.Tso.” But I knew that summer would come and a new wave of questions from seasonal clients would arise.

Unfortunately, I was correct. Everyone -- from Florida “snow birds” to Hasidics to Manhattanites and passers by -- everyone wants to talk about the mall. And it's funny how each person structures his or her question. Usually it sounds like: “So, what's happening?” My husband, a much more polite person than I, goes into the lengthy story about the situation at the mall.

“Is Wal-Mart coming?” “No, Wal-Mart is not coming,” I say with complete confidence. After a brief moment, the message hits the customer right between the eyes - I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. With obvious disappointment the customer leaves the store. At the end of the day, if we have 70 sales, they all ask the same question and I give them the same “treatment”. No one asks “How is business?” or “What's new?” Everyone wants to know about Wal-Mart. So I thought since it is quite obvious that people are fascinated by the mall, why not share the observations of one day from the life of a tenant of the infamous mall?

First of all, let me start with the observation that many different types of birds live at the mall. From very little gray ones to large seagulls to very dark crows. Seagulls enjoy the mall very much. The food for them, left by residents and summer visitors, is abundant. And the bird lovers bring their wonderful donations by the bagful. To make life easy for the birds the bags are dumped everywhere, and in large quantities.

Of course, the birds aren't the only ones who come to the mall in search of food. Raccoons, skunks, bats and rats love the mall. There is so much food around and empty spaces to play! Tony (my husband) and I are so happy for nature's creatures! Hour after hour, when no one enters the mall, we “enjoy” watching big crows chase little gray birds and when some of them get tired of playing, they hide in the large cracks in the mall's walls and roof. The roof, just in case the public is not aware, remains in disrepair on purpose, so the birds and bats have a place to rest.

Another thing we like to observe is an empty parking lot. It is so spacious! I remember when it was full of cars. And all the “annoying individuals”, the owners of the cars, used to come to our stores. Yes, the former customers. They finally got the message and no longer come to the mall, so the birds and other creatures can finally enjoy the area. If one desires, you can play football or practice for long distance running at the mall. But in the evening, we like to watch parents teach their children to drive. And for some reason they always choose our car to learn how to park. Oh! I know why! Our car is the only car in the parking lot most of the time.

So what if my car gets a few new scratches -- that's why it is there -- it's for a good cause. With a few new scratches and bird s… our car looks really great, just like an original Picasso.

But, most often, we observe the mountain across from the mall. It is really grand. It helps to calm you down. But lately I have noticed that the positive effect of the mountain has lost its touch. All of a sudden I realized that it is the mountain that separates my business from the traffic. I got this book, written by a gentleman who trains you to move objects your mind. So now, when I am tired of watching birds and raccoons, I practice moving the mountain. I am practicing to make a tunnel in this humongous rock and divert the consumer traffic to Napanoch.

So far I have been unsuccessful, but the book tells me that with enough practice I can move anything, so I keep on trying. If, at one point, you see me staring toward the mountain, now you will know why - I am working on the tunnel.

Our very latest observation was conducted recently and it is anthropological in nature. Let me tell you what happened. A few Mondays ago, Tony (as usual) was equipped with a shovel and wearing work gloves when he went to the rear of the mall. He does it frequently, you know, to make more room for garbage bags, so the birds and other animals can eat in a nice friendly environment. I know you all thought that we came early to sell wines and liquors but no! Wines are just a cover up!

In a short period of time I saw Tony come back looking like he had made the greatest discovery of his life. As his partner I had to join him on his adventure!

“What have you discovered my friend?” I asked him impatiently.

“I would rather you don't go behind the mall,” said Tony. But my female intolerance would not listen to his reasoning.

“I am coming with you!” I said.

As we went behind the building we saw it. It looked dark and quite large. “It cannot be!” I said. “Is it what I think it is?” It was dark now, but once it was polished, it would be largest diamond the Earth had ever seen! We got closer and noticed a roll of toilet paper. One more step and yes! It was…human excrement. Human excrement, just like it was millions of years ago.

Not to disturb this moment of great discovery and holding our breath back without any words we slammed the back door in complete disbelief. That Monday was no ordinary Monday. Things just kept happening. A bat flew into the store. A bird broke its neck flying into the window (Tony buried her later), and the “perfume” of a nearby skunk was overwhelming.

Around 3 p.m. we heard a noise like thunder. It was coming from the back. Fear that the rare human specimen might be stolen, we ran toward the noise. There, it was: an old pick-up truck, driven by a 6-foot degenerate, who was pushing an old huge refrigerator. When the degenerate noticed us, he jumped behind the wheel of his truck and took off….the refrigerator fell on the ground, almost destroying the garbage that was brought earlier by the concerned animal lovers.

I saw something snap in Tony's face, and then I saw him taking off after the truck. Tony is trained in Judo and I knew that he was a good runner, but I had no idea that he could run so fast! I wondered what would happen to the truck's driver once Tony caught up with him. However, it didn't take long for us to realize that neither one of us could compete with 120-horsepower, and since both of us left our glasses in the store, we did not see the license plate either. But now we know that, in extreme conditions, we can run very fast.

So, what's with the Mall? The mall is a rare local finding. It contains a zoo, training facilities, a dump and public toilet. I would really like to write some more, but then I won't be able to continue to keep track of all my amazing adventures.

The above events are truthful and can be testified to in a court of law. And I hope I can. Photographs of the rare findings are available upon request.

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